Here goes nothing.
Since this is a blog, it's not meant to be taken seriously. So here goes nothing.
Note: This post is meant for no one in particular. But it might resonate with you, in which case it's highly likely that you're a henpecked husband who is in terrible need for directions to the exit.
First up, is a poem for the pecking hen.
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| Have you ever felt that you've been a victim of mind-control? It could be an invading species of aliens has infiltrated your mind and made you a mindless slave to a mindless slave driver. With the rising popularity of mindfulness, it might be in your best interests to be a mindful slave to a mindful slave driver. |
A nonsense poem for the pecking hen.
Spend and spend and spend!
And scold me as you will.
Make all your demands!
Our s*x is next to nil.
One day I'll be gone
And your world will stand still.
Then you'll know I was the one
Who helped to pay the bills!
I know that I'm no fun.
I'm boring as they come!
But at least I'm trying very hard,
Not to be a jobless bum!
Consider rewording your words.
There are some words and phrases that you could phrase differently. They are, after all, only words, and it costs you nothing to say something in a different way.
Phrase: "You always ... !"
Comment:
"Always" is a very strong word. It implies that it always happens. It implies that things never happen differently. Whenever you say that, you reinforce the idea that there is no alternative. To you, things can only happen one way: The way you think that it will always, always happen.
Instead of saying, "You always...." say instead: "Sometimes, you...." And you need to explain to us blur, dense, befuddled men why it makes you upset.
Bad: "You always forget to take the trash out!"
Good: "Sometimes you forget to take the trash out. That makes me upset."
Show the causation. Make it logical. We men try to be logical. You women are in touch with your feelings, and nobody is denying it. But try to be in touch with logic as well.
Phrase: "You always have a lot of excuses!"
Comment:
An excuse implies that something is being avoided. If there is nothing being avoided, it's wrong to say that someone is putting up excuses. And please note the comment about "always", in the portion above.
Instead of pointing to "always having a lot of excuses", say instead: "Is (something I am doing) an excuse to (something you think I want to do)?"
Bad: "You said you want to go to the toilet. You should have gone just now! You always have a lot of excuses!"
Good: "You had a chance to go to the toilet just now. Is going to the toilet now simply an excuse for you to check your WhatsApp and your Facebook while I sit in the car and breastfeed the baby?"
Just be honest. Tell me what you're thinking. Sometimes you have a suspicious mind, even if you won't admit it. We are willing to come clean (at least, I am) if you phrase your objection in a way that I can reply to. How am I going to reply to your accusation that I have a lot of excuses? It'd be an argument spanning a timeline of god knows how many years.
Be specific, and point to the specific thing that you dislike. I can deal with one thing. I can't deal with amorphous, blob-like statements which do not have any specific act or item but seek to thrash me nevertheless. But if you insist, just go right ahead and thrash me with your rolling pin. It'd be much clearer to me that you are unhappy and you just want to thrash me.
Phrase: "You never ....!"
Comment:
"Never" is as strong a word as "always". Never implies that something never, ever happens. On a scale of one to ten, it's zero. You're saying that it's an impossibility with me. But I've been told never to say "impossible", and to say instead, "I'm possible."
When you say that I never, ever do something, you reinforce your perception that I am good for nothing. On the off-chance that I do that thing you say I never do, you might have the sneaking suspicion that it's a one-off. Hence, when I finally get something right, you might still want to thrash me, instead of applauding me.
Say instead: "Sometimes you fail to ....." Then name the omission that you think should have been a commission. Name the event that you wish would happen, but has yet to materialize. And then tell us how happy it would make you if it happened. Say it like a wish, because if you really want it to happen, and if making it happen will make you happy, then most men will make it happen for you.
Bad: "You never bring me for vacations in Europe!"
Good: "I wish you could bring me for vacation in Europe, because it would make me really happy. It's my childhood dream to stand at the top of the Eiffel Tower."
Men have feelings too. We know how it is. But your wishes might be a bit out of our budget. If it takes some time to make your wish come true, we want you to know that it's happening, sometime in the future, just not as soon as you wish it could happen.
But we'll try, if it makes you happy.
Phrase: "You can't blame me for .....!"
Comment:
If you know that something you do makes your man unhappy, try to do less of it. Do more of what makes your man happy. You have to show effort. It's not fair to say, "I know that you don't like this thing that I do, but you can't blame me for doing it, because ....!" If you've tried your very best to not do it, and it still happens, we might forgive you. Because we will know that you've put in your effort to avert it from happening. And because we are human too. And because we don't like to judge others, lest we be judged.
Say instead: "I've tried not to (the action that your man detests), but I was unable to resist and in the end I (say what you did). I am very sorry."
That last bit about being sorry is very important. You have no idea how important it is to us.
Bad: "You're never at home, so you can't blame me for going on an online shopping binge! I have nothing else to entertain me, except spending your money!"
Good: "I tried my best not to buy yet another Ju-Ju-Be Bag, but I felt the peer pressure to conform to appearances, so I eventually ordered another three of them Ju-Ju-Be bags. I'm sorry for spending your money, but they were too lovely to resist. I'll try to resist harder next time."
And of course, just saying that doesn't mean anything unless you really try not to get another bunch of stuff in that way. We are living in the new Millenium. You can't seriously be telling me that you're one of the weak-willed women from Victorian novels, who fall for vicious villains and vilify your own husbands.....
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| You have to know why you do certain things. Other people .... they don't matter so much. |
In The End?
Like the song from the 80's goes: Words don't come easy to me. But saying these words to you, Mr Nobody-in-Particular, makes it easier. If these words resonate with you, you have my sympathies. If you think this post has been a bunch of bollocks, I'm glad for you. (You probably are the alpha male in your household.)
If these words above have resonated with you, you have two options.
Option number one is to tell your spouse that you're unhappy with certain words and phrases that she is using. You can then gently suggest to her alternative phrases and words. If you're the particularly creative type, why not share with me your words in the comments. They could be useful to other men.
Option number two is to get ready to walk away from it all. You bear as far as you can bear, and then you tell her that you've had enough of her bull. (Get it? Bull and bear.) And then you pack your bags and run away as fast as your little legs can carry you. If she's as bad as I think she is, she'll be running after you with a shotgun or a cleaver.
Oh wait, there's actually an option number three. You can pretend to be a flowerpot, a rock, or a lamp post. Remain inert and quiet while she lashes you with her tongue. A little silence doesn't cost a lot, and you can reply when she has calmed down. If she wonders about your silence, you can either tell her that she's beautiful when she's angry (stole that from the movies) or you're too stunned to reply (since your XT processor is being outpaced by her iPhone). Wait for the slap. A kiss might follow.
Thanks for reading.
Read my other pieces.
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