Living Up To Expectations

Is this you?

You probably crave approval from others. We are encouraged since young to conform to what others expect. Living up to expectations brings respect and acceptance. But this can lead us to do things we do not like, including unnecessary spending. This is an “internal threat” to your avowed frugal existence, and it has to be dealt with.

Be yourself. As a certain Lady hath said: "This, above all, to thine own self be true."

You must sometimes say “NO” to invitations. Always saying “YES” may lead to unnecessary expenditure. If you always say “NO”, you project an unfriendly image, or the person inviting you may think you dislike him/her. Perhaps it is better to go with this: “NO, I’m afraid I can’t join you, but I would really like to meet you. Perhaps we can meet next Tuesday for lunch?” and propose a meeting place where you can be more frugal.

“Unnecessary expenditure” is different from “investments with mileage”. “Unnecessary expenditure” may be thought of as wasteful spending, without care for consequences: Essentially, throwing money into the sea. While spending RM100 on a casual acquaintance for lunch, don’t you think that there are other people that you could have that RM100 lunch with, and get better mileage out of it? Why spend money on a casual acquaintance when you never brought your own mother and father for such a lavish experience? The former is “unnecessary expenditure”; the latter is “investment with mileage”. In fact, it might backfire spending RM100 on a casual acquaintance over lunch: s/he might be suspicious why you spent so much money. Better to develop the relationship, and spend when the time is right.

Don't Be Afraid.

Losing a relationship might seem scary. Sometimes we think spending helps us hold our friends closer. Does spending money tell them how dear they are to us? If you treat them, they will probably forget the experience soon enough. If you go Dutch, they might be forced to live up to your expectations — and suffer in silence. In fact, they might be happier if you suggest a budget activity, such as an Indian Muslim “mamak restaurant” or a Chinese food court.

In my opinion, you would more effectively tell your beloved friends and loved ones how dear they are to you by expressing it. Spending money unnecessarily is not expressing it; it may be seen as showing off. You think, “I’ll spend and he’ll see how much I appreciate him”. He thinks what you are saying is, “I spend money on you because I can (unlike you, who are too poor to spend).” It is better to write a note, or a letter, stating how much the person means to you. A self-made card (DIY) with a sincere note can have a lasting effect.

So What? 

Sincere friends and family will understand when you choose not to live up to their expectations. Insincere people encourage unnecessary spending that drains us. They give us a financial setback and enjoy watching us play financial “catch up”. Sincere friends and family on the other hand do not grumble when their good friend or close relative stumbles financially. Who hasn’t gone through a bad patch before? It is OK to feel down, as long as you try to climb up again.

Note

Not long after I wrote this post, I started blogging at another blog called "Frugalism". It's a place for me to vent about money and dispense unsolicited advice. I'm morphing into an agony aunt for the anonymous. If you're curious, head over to my other blog and read.