It's how you react to it that matters

We can't always choose what happens to us.

Some things just happen to us. Maybe it's something bad. Like, someone mistook you for a bad guy and came up to you, and slapped you. Or maybe, your wife decided to spring a surprise on you and demanded that you sign up for 50 sessions of personal training. Maybe your wife suddenly has a fetish with baby diaper bags. Maybe she just has a thing for buying new things every week and you find that it's a bit too much to handle.

You will panic. And that's when you hit the panic button. 

"Woof! It's not what happens to you that matters... It's how you deal with it!"

What happens when you panic? Maybe you'll lose your temper. Maybe you'll burst out with a torrent of words. Maybe you'll slap someone, because you're just too angry to consider anything else.

It happened to me. It could happen to you, too. But when it happened to me, I tried my best to defuse the situation. I tried to apply whatever I learned recently to my situation, and make it manageable.

Andrew Bienkowski's book, "The Greatest Gift", which I recently read, told me that at the bottom of many of our problems is fear. The fear that things are beyond our control. The fear that we will be overwhelmed. The fear that we are being defeated. The fear that something terrible could happen. Andrew's solution was simple. He said that we should face our fears.

Easy for Andrew to say. He was 74 when he wrote that book. He'd been through a harrowing childhood in Siberia. He'd lost his whole family. What could be worse that whatever he had already gone through? And so we might kid ourselves.

The fact is that, he was 74 when he wrote that book. And he faced his fear that he could not write it, or that it wasn't good enough to be written. He'd been through a harrowing childhood in Siberia. And so he faced and relived his experiences from his childhood days. He'd lost his whole family. His mother died in 1954, just years after they had been liberated from Siberia. His grandmother perished in the late 1950s. And his brother, an award-winning scientist, also passed away in the early 1960s. He was brave enough to relive their memory and honour them befittingly.

In his book, Andrew says that if we revisit our memories of a painful event, it will be painful at first. But if we revisit it again and again, it will get less and less painful. And finally we will be able to face it without any pain. 

You must, I think, make decisions without any fear of pain. When others are getting overwhelmed, you must be level headed, and make decisions which you will not regret.

We can learn to face life like scientists. I like #1: See failure as a beginning, not an end.

Tonight we visited the gym.

My wife and I visited the gym. All of a sudden we had a bit of good news: The gym was having a buy one get one free promotion! But it only applied to the VIP membership, which was at its highest tier. The complimentary free membership was only for 12 months. Nevertheless, we weighed it and it was cheaper than two separate memberships. 

Then the salesman took us on a tour of the place. And when that was done, he took us to a machine to test our body fat, etc. Then he wanted us to go through the health check up. He asked my wife to sit with a man, and he sat with me.

When my wife was done, she was all pumped up and wanted to sign up for the gym membership immediately. I thought about it, and saw that she was super excited. There was a sparkle in her eyes. I thought, it might be worth 12 months of membership.

And then we went down to the nearby cafe. There she said, she wants 50 sessions of personal training... My jaw hit the floor. I asked her why she couldn't go for less sessions. She said that she was on fire, and she wanted what she wants...

She said that they offer 15% discount on personal training sessions within the first 5 days of signing up. 

She said that she wants her old body back. 

And she said that she will make this her new "thing".

*Only you and you alone can change your situation. Don't blame it on anything or anyone." - Leonardo DiCaprio

I have been reading Victor Frankl's book. He lived through the horrors of Auschwitz. When he went there, everything he had was taken away from him, even the coat containing the manuscript of an unpublished book that he had written. The majority of the prisoners were gassed upon arrival. He was lucky to be made a prisoner. How lucky the prisoners must have considered themselves! To have life, even though everything had been taken away from them. Even their heads were shaved. 

But there were prisoners who gave up. And Victor made an observation: It was often those prisoners who gave up hope that died sooner, than those who had something to hope for. Hope helps the person live through the difficult times in life!

And so, with head hanging low, I thought to myself: What could be good out of this gym membership, and the 50 personal training sessions? 

I thought and I thought. Here are some possible answers...

First, it is a bargain, after all. Twelve months' complimentary membership, valued at RM200 per month, means the gym is giving you RM2,400 worth of gym entry.

Second, it is something that we can do together in the future. We can encourage each other to exercise more and become more fit.

Third, I would (or should) benefit in terms of health: My job gives me a lot of pressure. Sweating it out might reduce high blood pressure.

Fourth, we might look better at the end of 12 months. We might be able to wear our old clothes instead of donating them away.

Fifth, the complimentary membership is worth at least half of the 50 personal training sessions. So if I close one eye, it's like paying for another VIP membership and 25 personal training sessions. 

Sixth, having a personal trainer will teach her how to train properly. Maybe with proper form and proper explanations, she will feel confident enough to go to the gym herself after the personal training sessions are over. Hopefully she will continue on her own.

Seventh, if she likes it, she might be able to train others. Who knows?

Eighth, she might find a new social circle from the gym classes. Les Mills Body Pump classes, full of Le Milfs getting pumped.

Ninth, she has promised me: No more Ju-Ju-Be bags. That means no more obsessing over designer baby diaper bags which cost a bomb. After all, she has more JJB bags than she could use on a daily basis. (Sometimes, I wish that she would sell some and help clear my debts.)

So I wished her success in three things for the coming year: Success in fitness, success in business, and success in getting to know God better.

Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.

I think that I might have succeeded in thinking positively about things. Let's see what happens. Life is too short to worry about imaginary dangers, yet not short enough that we can escape the consequences of our foolishness. I hope that she becomes wiser in the years to come.

How to become wiser

A wise man once said, to become knowledgeable, add things to what you already know. But to become wiser, subtract things from what you know.

Wisdom has to begin with regret. The problem is, some people will never learn to regret when the pain is borne by others. 

To understand the suffering of others is to become enlightened to the suffering of the world. It means that the person has learned to see beyond himself as the lens of the world. 

To feel, acutely and deeply, for the yearnings and pangs of others, even though they are not closely connected to you, is to step into their shoes and see through their eyes. 

We need empathy. Empathy can be cultivated in all human beings, even those with high education and those without education. For what is education, but the formalized learning of things along tracks which have been set by other men? We see the paper qualifications but fail to see the learning that each man should acquire through reflection and deep thought. It is that self-learning that will shape men to become better men.

I wish her wisdom, as I wish you wisdom. With wisdom comes much understanding and the ability to appreciate life. 

Yes, we can say that even the buffoon who swigs a bottle of beer at 2am in the morning, is also appreciating life. But is he appreciating the life of others? True wisdom appreciates the lives of all. 

Learn to burn bridges. Burn the bridges to the past. Burn the bridges to people who are harmful and dangerous. Burn the bridges to temptation and evil. 

And learn to walk ahead, holding your head up high, with a view to the heavens. Walk forward with a smile and expect things to go well.